He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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