Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
