I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm at about main and main street
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
