she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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