You're so nebulous sometimes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
