even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
