whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
