Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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