quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
