how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?