The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
