Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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