In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
