so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
