Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We have started to decorate penises.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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