just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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