You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
