So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
