you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
