That reminds me...we need to get swords
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
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She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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