duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
