he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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