hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
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My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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