listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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