if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
