his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
