tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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