I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
