"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
