My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
