Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
