I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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