you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
