I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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