You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
