you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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