4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.