He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.