Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS