Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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