new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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