i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
