Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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