well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
