I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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