omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
