I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
