I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
