it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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