I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
