Banned from zoo.
Again?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
