Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
