I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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