the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
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her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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