Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
