I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have feelings that need drinking.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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