Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
