Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
