3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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